Growing Old

Well I finally got round to creating this site, its not quite what I envisioned but it will suffice for now. Wanting to learn and keep my mind sharp I decided to do it all myself, having an amazing Myspace account many years ago and enjoying creating it, I thought this would keep the brain cells working and it would be fun. So far, for the most it has done, although I’m not sure using WordPress Com was the right choice as it is way too restricting unless you go for a Business plan. I am faced with trying some computer coding or waiting until I renew and move to another host where I can get plug ins etc. Yes I could pay somebody but this little venture is to learn and keep my mind ticking as I start retirement. So one of the first signs of ageing that I noticed is that I am really hesitant to put in coding which a few years ago I would have even if I messed up, but now it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort or hassle if it goes wrong. Well with that said its time to admit ……

Letting go to Change

Well today I reached what seems to me to be another milestone, I finally let go of my little office area in the corner of my lounge used for all the admin that goes with being a lecturer plus Skype and social time. It has taken me 2 days to re home or throw away my 20 years little collection of junk. So why did I find it so hard? Well I guess all the little “I love you Mum” notes around the desk and little trinkets are hard to let go of, they have been a comfort to me seeing them daily as I adjusted to Children leaving home, one to the other side of the world. I have kept these of course but they are now in a draw tucked away like old photos, not quite the same as being surrounded daily by the loving moments we shared.

I am now clutter free and moved into my little massage room which of course I don’t use much these days but its hard adjusting. My massage room has always been a sacred space for clients to relax and myself too, I often use it to meditate or just lie on the bed listening to relaxing music when life gets stressful. I find balance and calm in here, but now here I am sitting at the end of the bed using it as a desk for the laptop, a new experience is emerging with many forgotten memories popping into my head distracting me. I have so many memories which I guess get buried in the flow of life, the day I knew something wasn’t right with a lady who now is in her final stages of Alzheimer’s, the lump I found which turned out to be cancer, the clients who have since passed and of course lots of happy memories too. It is the first time I have experienced this room not as a sacred space but as a vault of memories.

I know change is no big deal, and I encourage it to many but this tiny little change which I was excited about has left me feeling drained with confused emotions. For most people retirement is hard to adjust to, you leave your workplace and try to move on, but here I am sitting in the middle of mine merging 2 sides of it, will I ever move on?

For now I will let these feelings flow and settle, but functioning in here for my writings? im not sure, there are many memories to give inspiration, but the ambience is so chilled will I be able to concentrate and focus! I used to love change but this little move is hard, maybe its an age thing or maybe not only time will tell. One thing is for sure, it is going to be hard to not sit here staring out at my beautiful view, it didn’t matter when I was massaging but writing and focusing! The view has been my blessing but now as I sit here being so easily distracted I wonder will it still be so ……..

Where did this last month go?

Wow its been so long since I have written anything, what happened to the time? Christmas came and went, it was lovely to have the family visit and far more important to spend every precious moment with them rather than sitting down to write. New Years day I went up the mountain that I see from my desk with my daughter, we set off with clear skies hoping for a clear view symbolic to starting the year off in a clear direction, we drove for 45 minutes and then walked a short distance to the peak. Instead of the clear view envisioned all we could see were clouds, we stayed there for over 4 hours in awe of the beauty, peace and stillness we encountered taking the symbolic meaning of starting the year off with our head above the clouds not in them.

Well that was the 1st and now its the 16th for these past days I have no excuse other than I stare out at the beautiful mountain and see myself sat above the clouds in all its glory. There have been many global meditations going on and some important planetary alignments including a full moon eclipse, the moon has throughout my life affected my energy levels usually leaving me feeling spaced out or feeling out of sorts around the days it is full, this time however I am still feeling it! I have at least sorted many other things out like a new portable desk etc. leaving me with only a small to do list.

Sitting above the clouds has certainly left me with a feeling that nothing is important any more, just breathe and take each day as it comes being an observer. Watching the worlds stage has been stressful these past few weeks as has the moods of many people around me, being an observer has helped greatly.

I think we could be feeling a global consciousness of the horrors of so many animal deaths in Australia and their sufferings, the reality of our suffering planet is playing on our global conscience and the reality of accepting that maybe our Beautiful Blue Planet really is run by greedy power hungry mentally disturbed people. So where will we go from here? Maybe this year will be the start to the end of the status quo leading to positive change, we can only hope so.

As I cope with everything to do and everything around me I have promised not to be too harsh on myself this year for not achieving time stamps etc. and go with the flow, over my life I did enough! Its now time for me to just be present and do only what I can and accept what I cant. So for now I will allow my mind to float up to the mountain above the clouds, holding on to that peace and calmness whilst all around seems in chaos, strangely leaving me feeling more grounded.