Well today I reached what seems to me another milestone, I finally let go of my little office area in the corner of my lounge used for all the admin that goes with being a lecturer plus Skype and social time, it has taken me 2 days to re home or throw away my 20 years little collection of junk. Why did I find it so hard? Well I guess all the little I love you Mum notes around the desk and little trinkets are hard to let go of, they have been a comfort to see them daily as I adjusted to Children leaving home some to the other side of the world. I have kept these of course but they are now in a draw tucked away like old photos, not quite the same as being surrounded daily by the loving moments we shared.
I am now clutter free and moved into my little massage room which of course I don’t use much these days but its hard adjusting, my massage room has always been a sacred space for clients to relax and myself too, I often use it to meditate or just lie on the bed myself listening to relaxing music when life gets stressful. I find balance and calm in here, but now here I am sitting at the end of the bed using it as a desk for the laptop, a new experience is emerging with many forgotten memories popping into my head distracting me. I have so many memories which I guess get buried in the flow of life, the day I knew something wasn’t right with a lady who now is in her final stages of Alzheimer’s, the lump I found which turned out to be cancer, the clients who have since passed and of course lots of happy memories too.
It is the first time I have experienced this room not as a sacred space but as a vault of memories. I know change is no big deal, and I encourage it to many but this tiny little change which I was excited about has left me feeling drained, sad and emotional. For most people retirement is hard to adjust to, you leave your workplace and try to move on, but here I am retired and sitting in the middle of my workspace, will I ever move on? For now I will let these feelings flow and settle, but functioning in here for my writings? I’m not sure, there are many memories to give inspiration, but the ambience is so chilled will I be able to concentrate and focus. I used to love change but this little move is hard, maybe its an age thing or maybe not only time will tell, but one thing for sure it is going to be hard to not sit here staring out at my beautiful view, it didn’t matter when I was massaging but writing and focusing! The view has been my blessing but now could it become a curse! ……..